Hello, friends...
I apologize my absence; I started my new job teaching 7th grade a couple of weeks ago, and this past Wednesday was the first day of school so life has been crazier than usual.
A week before I stated my job, I asked my kind of/sort of ex-husband to leave our home. He stayed with friends for nearly a week before coming home. Why?
Well, as you may recall he met someone nicknamed ''German'' when he went out the day until 4 a.m. the day after our divorce papers were filed. I asked him not to pursue her or stay out past midnight while we were still married and living together, I told him it hurt me and made me very upset and I was worried about the stress of it all, coupled with going back to work, divorcing, moving, and raising the kids, would make my cancer come back. He looked me in the eyes and said, ''I understand. I won't''. Two days later on Friday he stayed out until 2:40 a.m. I thought surely he would not have seen her, I mean that would be audacious. On Sunday night I asked him, and through gritted teeth he finally admitted that yes, he did go out with her, and yes, he had picked her up for a date in my car. MY CAR! During which time he got a flat tire which I then had to replace, by the way...
So, I asked him to leave. I called the divorce attorney and said that cushy deal we had - the one where I walk away with $15k despite being entitled to not only stay in my home but also be bought out for at least $30k if I were the one to move - the one where I wasn't even asking for child support - well that was out the window now. I could still take him to the goddamn cleaners if I wanted to, but I won't. I just want what's fair to me and my children. His feelings being ''hurt'' as a result was no longer of any consequence to me.
He texted me the whole time he was gone; ''I am sorry. I fucked up. I miss you. Please let me come home. I won't talk to her anymore''.
I sent my mother in law an email, polite, explaining the situation. ''I am still the mother of your grandchildren and we have always been close. I just want you to hear my side of things. I have gone through the hardest time of my life, with the cancer and breaking my wrist, and this situation with Pete and German is causing me a lot of stress. That's why I asked him to leave. His dishonesty really hurt me.''. That kind of thing.
Not only did she never bother to email me back, but I also saw on his email that she was forwarding him my messages describing it as, ''Poor me a bit largely''. He went on to tell her, ''Be nice to her! She has to be handled gently. Whatever you say, just get her out of the house!"'. Amongst other unsavory things. As Holden Caulfield would say, she is as kind hearted as a wolf.
Four days later he came home. He said she was out of the picture and he told her he could not see her for a while.
Two days later, on a Saturday after he had been at work, I caught him texting with her. He also still kept three pictures of her on his phone saved in his screenshots.
''You said I couldn't see her'', was his defense.
''I don't want you talking to her in any capacity. You know that. Don't play dumb with me.''
He claims he called her and said he could talk to her at all for a while, he might be reconciling with his wife who already kicked him out for talking to her.
That was on July 14th.
Let's fast forward to Thursday night, August 2nd.
It was 11:30 p.m., and we were in bed together. He gets a text. I thought it was odd, since it was so late, but surely it isn't her. I mean, he learned his lesson. Right?
I checked the next morning, since I can't trust him anymore, and sure enough there is no text. He deleted it. So I check his screenshots. There is a brand-new picture of German, bold as brass, sweaty and dancing in a tight top at a drum and bass show. I like to call these tactics women use as ''dangling the carrot''. She knows he is desperate to go to a drum and bass show, so there she is, dangling the carrot. Just like the last picture she sent him where she was at the Atlanta United stadium and said, ''Look at the halo!''. Because she knows how much he wants to go there. It was so transparent, I actually felt sorry for her in a way.
Now I know for a fact that if I had been seeing a still-married man and he told me that he might be reconciling with his wife and not to text or call him, I wouldn't. I mean, I just wouldn't. I certainly wouldn't send him a picture of myself like that at 11:30 p.m. out of the blue, either.
He was still talking to her.
On Friday morning I confronted him as I got ready for work. He denied it, naturally.
''How's German?'', I asked, casual-like.
''I don't know I haven't spoken to her''.
I like to call this lie number one.
''Really? She hasn't been out dancing lately?''
''Okay, so she sent me a goodnight text. I don't why. I told her I can't talk to her. Sometimes she sends me the odd text, but I barely even respond. That's it. I don't text her.''
I went to work, and we carried on the conversation when I got home. He had sent me messages all day saying I can see his phone whenever I want. How sorry he was.
''Okay, let's see it then''. He didn't like that. After some serious wrangling I was able to get his phone and look at his call log.
''Let's look at it together'', I said.
So I wrote down all of the calls between them over the last two weeks. You know, that time when he said he hadn't spoken to her.
They spoke seven times. Three times of which were initiated by him.
Two days after he ''told her'' he couldn't talk to her anymore, he called her on July 16. And again on July 18. And again on July 20. All weekdays. All in the evening on his way home from work. He also spoke to her again on July 24th, even though we spent a night celebrating our 11th wedding anniversary only four days later at a hotel. That's not to mention who-knows how many texts that he deleted. So basically, he was talking to her, and then coming home to a home-cooked dinner by me and then begging to have sex with me at night.
I like to call this lie number two.
''I don't even remember those calls. I probably called her to say stop contacting me.''
''You had to call her every two days to tell her that? After you said you might reconcile with your wife and to stop contacting you? Wow. She sounds deeply disturbed. Like a stalker. Is she? You know...a stalker?''.
''No, she isn't. I was just calling her to chat. It was nothing, just a distraction. That's all she is, is just a distraction. Entertainment. That's all. I love you. I want to stay married. I'll go to counseling, I know I am fucked up and you deserve better. I will do whatever it takes. I will even move to Portland if you want for a fresh start. Please.''
I have been begging to move to Oregon for years. Years. And he had always refused. He also refused marriage counseling, too. Wow. He must be desperate.
I insisted on knowing her name, this woman who has caused this shit storm in my life. Not that I blame her, God only knows what he has told her. I think he has played us both. Still, I want to know her name. Finally he told me.
Unsurprisingly, I searched her name in his email, and he sent her a drum and bass link on July 5th. The trouble is, we filed for divorce on July 6th, and he stayed out until 4 a.m., you know, the night he met her, on July 7th. Meaning, he was talking to her before we filed for divorce and didn't just meet her by chance some random night.
I like to call this lie number three.
''When and where did you meet German?''. I was adamant, and he refused to answer. Finally he did. He set up a dating profile and met her online. That night, that was when they met in person for the first time. So he knowingly set up a dating profile, while we were still married and living together and he is fucking me regularly, and went on a date with this woman. And has continued to see and speak to her, even after I begged him through tears not to. After I said it was inappropriate to do so while we still living with our family together and married. After I kicked him out of the damn house. After he promised me, looked me in the eyes on several separate occasions, that he would not.
What gets me the most is all of the nights he begged to sleep with me, and all the while he had pictures of her on his phone inches away from me. While he is in bed with me, and receiving goodnight texts from her.
I have said he needs to find somewhere else to live. I cannot trust him anymore. I cannot live like this, wondering if he is lying or not. He was a stranger, a monster. Soul-less. Not the man I married.
And reconciling was most certainly off the table.
Why the hell would I want to be married to this person? Why?
''I don't need you in my life'', I said as he begged for forgiveness.
''There is a real man out there who will actually love me, 100%, not 60/40, shared with another woman.
There is a real man out there who will cherish me and care for me and never let me go in a thousand universes.
There is a real man out there who would want nothing more than my company. I would be enough for him. I wouldn't need to worry about trying to compete with some cool single woman in the city, who goes out drinking and dancing and watching soccer games. I can't compete with that, and I don't want to. I am a mom in the suburbs, a teacher at the local school. I have a simple life, and there is a real man out there whom I can share that simple life with. I don't need you.
You are a man-child, a coward.
A real man does not lie to the woman he has been married to for 11 years. Who birthed his children. Regardless of how this pans out, you had no right to do that to me. I deserve more than that.''
He agreed, he made the biggest mistake of his life, please would I forgive him?
So this is where I am at now. Confounded, in a muddle. I haven't even shed a tear. Not one. I can't cry over this man anymore. I think of this time last year, when I was so sick with cancer, on chemotherapy, bald, about to have a double mastectomy. So scared I would die. In agony from bone-crippling pain from my chemo.
And I would ask him, ''Could you please massage me, just for a minute, while I fall asleep? I am in so much pain.''.
And he would say, ''I am too tired. Next time ask me tomorrow before I am so tired.''
And he would roll over and fall asleep.
And I would lay there, in misery, crying silently to myself.
Even if he was tired, he still could have held me.
His sick, scared, cancer-striken wife.
He could have at least held me.
But, he didn't. That should have been my first indicator that a year later he would be seeing another woman and lying to me about it. Even if were divorcing, are divorcing, it was still inappropriate. Too soon. I should have known then that, in reality, my feelings don't matter to him. His selfishness will always take priority over my feelings. That is a hard truth to face, I suppose.
That was the three lies, but what's the truth? Amongst all of the lies, what is the truth?
The truth is, I don't know what to do. Honestly, I don't.
Mainly, I want to have a new life without him. Sure, he is still in my life, we have small children. The youngest is only one year old.
But I don't want him in my life other than as a co-parent.
I don't want to be his wife.
I don't want to be his friend.
I don't want toxic people in my life anymore. Even if I have been married to them. Procreated with them.
I only want people who love me, and care about me, and make me happy to be alive.
Not someone who makes me have knots in my stomach. The inability to sleep. The inability to eat. The feeling of paranoia, wondering with every text alert and message if is his mother helping him plot to get me out of my house, or German sending sexy pictures of herself, dangling the carrot. That isn't me. He is turning me into someone who I am not, and I will be damned-damned-if I am going to become so stressed out by him and his soul-less cowardice that my cancer comes back.
The truth is, I don't know what I want, but I do know I cannot live like this anymore.
Did I mention that he also suggested I stop writing?
He said, after he came home, that the only reason I want the house to to spite him. I said no, actually I have been saying for weeks how hard it is for me to leave my home. How much I would love to still raise the children here. I showed him a blog post from weeks earlier, before German even came into the picture, explaining my love of the house and sadness for saying goodbye to it.
''I couldn't read it all, it was too long. I think you should stop writing your blog. Maybe it isn't healthy for you.''
''Why would I stop? I enjoy writing it, and people enjoy reading it.''
No response. He just didn't want me. keep up my blog. Even though he couldn't be bothered to read a single entry of it.
A few weeks before that I had told him one of my essays was picked up to be published in a literary magazine. A literary magazine!
He didn't ask to read the essay. As a matter of fact, he didn't even bother asking what is was even about.
I keep reminding myself of my Hello Letter. My pink farm table. My swing chair. My dog. The other life I had envisioned without him.
I just want to be happy, and loved. Like anyone else. In whatever form that may be.
The truth is, I don't know what the future holds. I have never been so torn in my life.
A part of me wants to stay, to get counseling. I made a vow for ''In sickness and health'', and he is sick. I truly believe that mentally, he is sick. He wants to get help.
But also, I have nothing left of myself to give to this man.
I am tired from battling cancer.
I am tired from raising our three babies.
I am tired of being his cheerleader. I needed the cheerleader, damnit. I needed the cheerleader.
The truth is, another part of me wants to rid myself of him as much as humanly possible and start my life again. With the support of family and friends and my children.
The truth is, I don't need him. I really don't fucking need him.
I suppose the part that will win will be the one that I feed. I can feed the part that wants to stay with understanding and forgiveness and counseling and hope for reconciliation.
Or I can feed the part that has a new life, with a finalized divorce and new home (him or me), and new identity as a strong, single, independent woman.
Which part would you feed?
Thanks for the love, friends. XO
I apologize my absence; I started my new job teaching 7th grade a couple of weeks ago, and this past Wednesday was the first day of school so life has been crazier than usual.
A week before I stated my job, I asked my kind of/sort of ex-husband to leave our home. He stayed with friends for nearly a week before coming home. Why?
Well, as you may recall he met someone nicknamed ''German'' when he went out the day until 4 a.m. the day after our divorce papers were filed. I asked him not to pursue her or stay out past midnight while we were still married and living together, I told him it hurt me and made me very upset and I was worried about the stress of it all, coupled with going back to work, divorcing, moving, and raising the kids, would make my cancer come back. He looked me in the eyes and said, ''I understand. I won't''. Two days later on Friday he stayed out until 2:40 a.m. I thought surely he would not have seen her, I mean that would be audacious. On Sunday night I asked him, and through gritted teeth he finally admitted that yes, he did go out with her, and yes, he had picked her up for a date in my car. MY CAR! During which time he got a flat tire which I then had to replace, by the way...
So, I asked him to leave. I called the divorce attorney and said that cushy deal we had - the one where I walk away with $15k despite being entitled to not only stay in my home but also be bought out for at least $30k if I were the one to move - the one where I wasn't even asking for child support - well that was out the window now. I could still take him to the goddamn cleaners if I wanted to, but I won't. I just want what's fair to me and my children. His feelings being ''hurt'' as a result was no longer of any consequence to me.
He texted me the whole time he was gone; ''I am sorry. I fucked up. I miss you. Please let me come home. I won't talk to her anymore''.
I sent my mother in law an email, polite, explaining the situation. ''I am still the mother of your grandchildren and we have always been close. I just want you to hear my side of things. I have gone through the hardest time of my life, with the cancer and breaking my wrist, and this situation with Pete and German is causing me a lot of stress. That's why I asked him to leave. His dishonesty really hurt me.''. That kind of thing.
Not only did she never bother to email me back, but I also saw on his email that she was forwarding him my messages describing it as, ''Poor me a bit largely''. He went on to tell her, ''Be nice to her! She has to be handled gently. Whatever you say, just get her out of the house!"'. Amongst other unsavory things. As Holden Caulfield would say, she is as kind hearted as a wolf.
Four days later he came home. He said she was out of the picture and he told her he could not see her for a while.
Two days later, on a Saturday after he had been at work, I caught him texting with her. He also still kept three pictures of her on his phone saved in his screenshots.
''You said I couldn't see her'', was his defense.
''I don't want you talking to her in any capacity. You know that. Don't play dumb with me.''
He claims he called her and said he could talk to her at all for a while, he might be reconciling with his wife who already kicked him out for talking to her.
That was on July 14th.
Let's fast forward to Thursday night, August 2nd.
It was 11:30 p.m., and we were in bed together. He gets a text. I thought it was odd, since it was so late, but surely it isn't her. I mean, he learned his lesson. Right?
I checked the next morning, since I can't trust him anymore, and sure enough there is no text. He deleted it. So I check his screenshots. There is a brand-new picture of German, bold as brass, sweaty and dancing in a tight top at a drum and bass show. I like to call these tactics women use as ''dangling the carrot''. She knows he is desperate to go to a drum and bass show, so there she is, dangling the carrot. Just like the last picture she sent him where she was at the Atlanta United stadium and said, ''Look at the halo!''. Because she knows how much he wants to go there. It was so transparent, I actually felt sorry for her in a way.
Now I know for a fact that if I had been seeing a still-married man and he told me that he might be reconciling with his wife and not to text or call him, I wouldn't. I mean, I just wouldn't. I certainly wouldn't send him a picture of myself like that at 11:30 p.m. out of the blue, either.
He was still talking to her.
On Friday morning I confronted him as I got ready for work. He denied it, naturally.
''How's German?'', I asked, casual-like.
''I don't know I haven't spoken to her''.
I like to call this lie number one.
''Really? She hasn't been out dancing lately?''
''Okay, so she sent me a goodnight text. I don't why. I told her I can't talk to her. Sometimes she sends me the odd text, but I barely even respond. That's it. I don't text her.''
I went to work, and we carried on the conversation when I got home. He had sent me messages all day saying I can see his phone whenever I want. How sorry he was.
''Okay, let's see it then''. He didn't like that. After some serious wrangling I was able to get his phone and look at his call log.
''Let's look at it together'', I said.
So I wrote down all of the calls between them over the last two weeks. You know, that time when he said he hadn't spoken to her.
They spoke seven times. Three times of which were initiated by him.
Two days after he ''told her'' he couldn't talk to her anymore, he called her on July 16. And again on July 18. And again on July 20. All weekdays. All in the evening on his way home from work. He also spoke to her again on July 24th, even though we spent a night celebrating our 11th wedding anniversary only four days later at a hotel. That's not to mention who-knows how many texts that he deleted. So basically, he was talking to her, and then coming home to a home-cooked dinner by me and then begging to have sex with me at night.
I like to call this lie number two.
''I don't even remember those calls. I probably called her to say stop contacting me.''
''You had to call her every two days to tell her that? After you said you might reconcile with your wife and to stop contacting you? Wow. She sounds deeply disturbed. Like a stalker. Is she? You know...a stalker?''.
''No, she isn't. I was just calling her to chat. It was nothing, just a distraction. That's all she is, is just a distraction. Entertainment. That's all. I love you. I want to stay married. I'll go to counseling, I know I am fucked up and you deserve better. I will do whatever it takes. I will even move to Portland if you want for a fresh start. Please.''
I have been begging to move to Oregon for years. Years. And he had always refused. He also refused marriage counseling, too. Wow. He must be desperate.
I insisted on knowing her name, this woman who has caused this shit storm in my life. Not that I blame her, God only knows what he has told her. I think he has played us both. Still, I want to know her name. Finally he told me.
Unsurprisingly, I searched her name in his email, and he sent her a drum and bass link on July 5th. The trouble is, we filed for divorce on July 6th, and he stayed out until 4 a.m., you know, the night he met her, on July 7th. Meaning, he was talking to her before we filed for divorce and didn't just meet her by chance some random night.
I like to call this lie number three.
''When and where did you meet German?''. I was adamant, and he refused to answer. Finally he did. He set up a dating profile and met her online. That night, that was when they met in person for the first time. So he knowingly set up a dating profile, while we were still married and living together and he is fucking me regularly, and went on a date with this woman. And has continued to see and speak to her, even after I begged him through tears not to. After I said it was inappropriate to do so while we still living with our family together and married. After I kicked him out of the damn house. After he promised me, looked me in the eyes on several separate occasions, that he would not.
What gets me the most is all of the nights he begged to sleep with me, and all the while he had pictures of her on his phone inches away from me. While he is in bed with me, and receiving goodnight texts from her.
I have said he needs to find somewhere else to live. I cannot trust him anymore. I cannot live like this, wondering if he is lying or not. He was a stranger, a monster. Soul-less. Not the man I married.
And reconciling was most certainly off the table.
Why the hell would I want to be married to this person? Why?
''I don't need you in my life'', I said as he begged for forgiveness.
''There is a real man out there who will actually love me, 100%, not 60/40, shared with another woman.
There is a real man out there who will cherish me and care for me and never let me go in a thousand universes.
There is a real man out there who would want nothing more than my company. I would be enough for him. I wouldn't need to worry about trying to compete with some cool single woman in the city, who goes out drinking and dancing and watching soccer games. I can't compete with that, and I don't want to. I am a mom in the suburbs, a teacher at the local school. I have a simple life, and there is a real man out there whom I can share that simple life with. I don't need you.
You are a man-child, a coward.
A real man does not lie to the woman he has been married to for 11 years. Who birthed his children. Regardless of how this pans out, you had no right to do that to me. I deserve more than that.''
He agreed, he made the biggest mistake of his life, please would I forgive him?
So this is where I am at now. Confounded, in a muddle. I haven't even shed a tear. Not one. I can't cry over this man anymore. I think of this time last year, when I was so sick with cancer, on chemotherapy, bald, about to have a double mastectomy. So scared I would die. In agony from bone-crippling pain from my chemo.
And I would ask him, ''Could you please massage me, just for a minute, while I fall asleep? I am in so much pain.''.
And he would say, ''I am too tired. Next time ask me tomorrow before I am so tired.''
And he would roll over and fall asleep.
And I would lay there, in misery, crying silently to myself.
Even if he was tired, he still could have held me.
His sick, scared, cancer-striken wife.
He could have at least held me.
But, he didn't. That should have been my first indicator that a year later he would be seeing another woman and lying to me about it. Even if were divorcing, are divorcing, it was still inappropriate. Too soon. I should have known then that, in reality, my feelings don't matter to him. His selfishness will always take priority over my feelings. That is a hard truth to face, I suppose.
That was the three lies, but what's the truth? Amongst all of the lies, what is the truth?
The truth is, I don't know what to do. Honestly, I don't.
Mainly, I want to have a new life without him. Sure, he is still in my life, we have small children. The youngest is only one year old.
But I don't want him in my life other than as a co-parent.
I don't want to be his wife.
I don't want to be his friend.
I don't want toxic people in my life anymore. Even if I have been married to them. Procreated with them.
I only want people who love me, and care about me, and make me happy to be alive.
Not someone who makes me have knots in my stomach. The inability to sleep. The inability to eat. The feeling of paranoia, wondering with every text alert and message if is his mother helping him plot to get me out of my house, or German sending sexy pictures of herself, dangling the carrot. That isn't me. He is turning me into someone who I am not, and I will be damned-damned-if I am going to become so stressed out by him and his soul-less cowardice that my cancer comes back.
The truth is, I don't know what I want, but I do know I cannot live like this anymore.
Did I mention that he also suggested I stop writing?
He said, after he came home, that the only reason I want the house to to spite him. I said no, actually I have been saying for weeks how hard it is for me to leave my home. How much I would love to still raise the children here. I showed him a blog post from weeks earlier, before German even came into the picture, explaining my love of the house and sadness for saying goodbye to it.
''I couldn't read it all, it was too long. I think you should stop writing your blog. Maybe it isn't healthy for you.''
''Why would I stop? I enjoy writing it, and people enjoy reading it.''
No response. He just didn't want me. keep up my blog. Even though he couldn't be bothered to read a single entry of it.
A few weeks before that I had told him one of my essays was picked up to be published in a literary magazine. A literary magazine!
He didn't ask to read the essay. As a matter of fact, he didn't even bother asking what is was even about.
I keep reminding myself of my Hello Letter. My pink farm table. My swing chair. My dog. The other life I had envisioned without him.
I just want to be happy, and loved. Like anyone else. In whatever form that may be.
The truth is, I don't know what the future holds. I have never been so torn in my life.
A part of me wants to stay, to get counseling. I made a vow for ''In sickness and health'', and he is sick. I truly believe that mentally, he is sick. He wants to get help.
But also, I have nothing left of myself to give to this man.
I am tired from battling cancer.
I am tired from raising our three babies.
I am tired of being his cheerleader. I needed the cheerleader, damnit. I needed the cheerleader.
The truth is, another part of me wants to rid myself of him as much as humanly possible and start my life again. With the support of family and friends and my children.
The truth is, I don't need him. I really don't fucking need him.
I suppose the part that will win will be the one that I feed. I can feed the part that wants to stay with understanding and forgiveness and counseling and hope for reconciliation.
Or I can feed the part that has a new life, with a finalized divorce and new home (him or me), and new identity as a strong, single, independent woman.
Which part would you feed?
Thanks for the love, friends. XO
Find the man that will read your blog.. with earnest intent. Find the man that wants to know your soul and not just use your body. Find the man who 'fits' you.
ReplyDeleteAs an aside... I don't see a problem with dating while divorcing.. I did it. I don't see a problem with getting online and seeing what is out there. It really helped me crystallize that I was not married to the right man. I don't think he's wrong in seeing German.. but I do think he's wrong in sleeping with you...
I would share the dudes I was interested in dating with my soon to be ex hubby. He would share his type of gal with me. I wasn't hurt at all by this, in fact we bonded over the idea we could both find better matches. The idea you are asking him to stop communicating with German proves you are not in the right head space. If he was truly a friend, and you truly cared about his soul, you'd want him to find a better match for him right? And if he was truly a friend to you, he'd want you find someone who had the desire to read your blog!
He's clinging to you because he's scared... and me thinks you are clinging to him for the same reason. If you can love him like a brother and want the best for him too you'd see both of you need different people who fulfill unmet needs,
Thank you for your reply! I think you made a lot of really good points. For me, I am still very emotional from my cancer experience. Still grieving a lot of losses. If you told me this time last year I would be getting divorced I would have said you were crazy. So it is still an idea I am getting used to. That is why I am so sensitive about German; he began moving on with his new life while our current life was still in progress. If he didn’t think it bother me, like it didn’t bother you and your ex, then he would have told me. But he DID know it would bother me, and did it anyway. That’s what really gets me. My feelings just didn’t matter at all to him. I hope we do both find better matches, but not her. As much as I love him, and the divorce kills me, I know that maybe we have outgrown one another. Maybe it took cancer to see that.
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