Twas the night before my mastectomy...

Twas the night before my mastectomy,

when all through the lake,

not a creature was stirring, not even a snake.

The sage was lit around the circle with care,

in hopes that a yew tree would be planted there.

Ah, the humble yew tree. As anyone who has read a prior post entitled, ''Agony and the Yew Tree'' knows, one of my past chemo meds, Taxol, is derived from a yew tree. Since chemotherapy has played such a significant role in saving my life, I felt it was important to properly thank Mother Earth for creating it.

Let me stop right here to add something before we continue; I am not a religious person. In fact, the very thought of begging for my life to an all-knowing, all-powerful God makes me want to cringe. Why? Because why has he put me in this situation in the first place? And it's not because ''everything happens for a reason'', or it's ''God's plan''. It's because sometimes people just get cancer. 

That being said, I appreciate every prayer everyone has said for me. Truly. Because you do you. If you pray to God, please, by all means, pray for me while you're talking to him.  But I could not bring myself to grovel for life at the behest of a God whom may or may not exist. I refused.

Clearly, though, I believe in something; Nature-based religion.

I am of the opinion, and have been for a very long time, that there is a Great Spirit who is both masculine and feminine. Mother Earth, Father Sky...that sort of thing. I also believe in a lot of Buddhist philosophy in regard to there is no ''it''...we are all ''it''.  The Great Spirit ''has our back'', but isn't all-knowing and isn't all-powerful. It is up to us as individuals to make the right choices and deal with the consequences of our actions without waiting to be saved. The Great Spirit cannot save anyone, but can guide you, and, dare I say, put certain people or circumstances in your path to guide you. I'd say my beliefs are a blend of Native Americanism, Paganism, and Buddhism.

Since nature is my church, I did what many people might do on the eve of a life-saving surgery...I went there and I prayed. My way.

I lit my candles, one for North, one for South, one for East, and one for West. I saged the circle and passed it around for everyone to sage themselves, as to eliminate any negative energy. I sat with my pedestal of crystals and special stones beside me. And we sat there, around a circle, my family and I, as we planted a tiny yew tree on the banks of the lake in our backyard. We sent out a request to the Universe, to Mother Earth, to the Great Spirit, to watch over me during my surgery and to help guide the surgeons with steady hands to excise all of the cancer. I then poured the remainder of my frozen breastmilk, no longer fit for human consumption, in with the tree. 

It was simple and beautiful and just right, and in the midst of all of the pre-surgery chaos and jitters I was able to re-connect with myself for a moment. I felt very much at peace and am so happy to eked out the time to do that. I was able to relax my mind and my spirit and fully accept my impending surgery. 

Thank you, yew tree, for the role you played in saving my life. I look forward to meditating beside you for many, many years to come.