Today is better! As was yesterday!
Firstly, I saw my therapist in the morning, who, when I told her about my ex's insensitivity about already staying out all night with another woman the day after we filed our divorce papers (insert salt-in-wound here), said simply, and I am paraphrasing here, ''Are you really surprised? After all, wasn't it his lack of empathy that brought you to this point in the first place? He can't help it, you know that. This is just who he is. He doesn't mean for it to be that way, but still, it hurts you. This is why it isn't working anymore.'' Pattern of behavior. In the clear light of day, I realized that. He genuinely is oblivious that doing such a thing would be hurtful to me, just as he was oblivious that all of the other things were hurtful to me, too. I have learned you cannot teach a person empathy, either it is something they possess or it is something they do not.
Lastly, I arrived at the yoga studio at 6:15 p.m. for my monthly meditation circle. I meet with a group called Wild Woman Sisterhood, which is a group that meets on the new moon of every month in different cities around the world. I quite like that, that other women globally are meeting at the same, channeling all of our energies together. So we meditate, talk, choose tarot cards, eat macaroons and carrot sticks with dip. That sort of thing.
However, due to my chemo-addled brain, I arrived and realized that actually it was the following day (today). As I was walking in to my car, I decided to pop in the Irish pub next door for a drink and mozzarella sticks, as I was feeling a bit thirsty and peckish. Normally I would have stopped into a cafe, but I had decided, ''Fuck it'' and sat down at the bar and ordered myself a light draft beer.
There was only one seat left, next to this guy on his phone a lot. So eventually we start talking a bit, and he's asking me about this and that, where I am from, what do I do, stuff like that. And I tell him, I have three children, am a teacher, am going to be officially divorced next month, and am looking for a new house, blah, blah. It also comes up in conversation that I am turning 35 in September, and that I am a breast cancer survivor. He proceeds to tell me he is a lawyer, has his own practice, is 30 years old and lives locally. I told him about my upcoming trip, and he said he has been to Vancouver and loved it, and how much fun I will have there.
When he was talking about it, I found myself unintentionally ignoring him completely, instead my thoughts wandering to another guy, from Vancouver, whom I will be meeting with while on my upcoming trip. Platonically, of course. Totally and completely platonically.
Anyway, a curious thing happened; I found myself wanting to sit there with this other man beside me, The Guy From Vancouver, instead of The Lawyer. Even though I actually don't know much about this guy, except that it appears we have similar interests, and that I find him quite likable and familiar. His speech, and mannerisms, way of thinking. For all I know, The Guy From Vancouver has a girlfriend or isn't even interested in ever having one. That has left me wondering what my feelings will be when it is him sitting beside me in September, and how it could be that, in that moment, I felt more connected to a person whom I'd never met before, thousands of miles away, than the person sitting inches away from me, looking right at me, talking to me in real time. Without going into unnecessary detail, The Guy From Vancouver could not possibly live under more precarious circumstances, and still, my thoughts gravitated toward him, because my feelings were, evidently, totally impervious to his situation. Rather than analyze why my thoughts drifted to him, I am just going to take them for what they were and immerse my weary self in the good feeling it gave me to think about him. To have him unexpectedly pop into my head and linger there, happily and sweetly. I think when the mere thought of a person can make you feel that good, that it is quite extraordinary.
''I just got my new business cards today. Want to see?'', he asked, redirecting my attention back to him. So I held it, complimented it as much as one can compliment a business card; the thick paper texture and how it was black with white font. ''Why don't you keep it, and maybe we'll see each other again some time. I come in here a lot.''
And so there I was, sweaty, wearing my jean shorts and florally ''mom'' top, curls a frizzy mess, not a stitch of make up on. And this guy, friendly, five years younger than me, fairly attractive, successful, gave me his number after a twenty minute conversation. Even after hearing I am older, and have kids, and had breast cancer, still, he gave me his number.
Needless to say when I arrived home I had a grin as wide as the Cheshire cat's...
Naturally my ex noticed, and so I was honest. I said that I understood now how he felt, when a woman started striking up a conversation with him. It felt nice. I mean, I had zero chemistry with this dude and would never in a thousand years call him, but still, it was, I don't know...nice . To know that even when I laid it all out there for someone, every imperfection on display, he was still interested in seeing me again. It made me feel like, perhaps, when the time is right I will find someone totally perfect for me, and I won't have to worry about the baggage I bring with me, or my missing nipples, or my crazy curls, or anything else. I guess it gave me hope. The Lawyer, he gave me hope. Not him particularly, but what he symbolizes, which is that I am not a washed-up 30-something single mother whom no man will find desirable. The Guy From Vancouver gave me hope, too. That I could have that feeling of butterflies again, just by thinking of someone. I haven't felt butterflies for a very long time. I really hope he doesn't fill me with any when I meet him; I don't think I am ready for butterflies just yet.
My ex was a bit jealous, and said I'd have no problem finding someone and between the two of us I'd probably do so before he would. I explained to him that the difference between he and I is that I told this guy now was not a good time for me, but perhaps I'd see him around sometime. I didn't give him my number, or make plans to see him again, or have any intention of talking to him further. It was simply a brief conversation between two people who happen to be seated next to one another at a bar, unlike him staying out until the wee hours getting totally intoxicated with ''German'', giving her his number, and then exchanging texts the very next day. Really, it was apples and oranges. He reminded me that he doesn't have many friends, and enjoyed German's company. Someone to talk to, to make plans to see again and talk to again. That's it. I actually understood, once I had that conversation with The Lawyer. I really did understand.
I went on to remind him that I am not looking for a relationship for quite some time after our divorce. I want to focus on myself, and children, career, and writing, and possibly going back to school in the evenings. Sure, I'd like the company of a man. I mean, of course I would. I am only human. But that's it. Just his company. Someone to look forward to talking to. They say the best way to get over someone is get under someone, but I don't want to get under someone. I want something deeper than that. To feel someone completely on every other level; mentally, spiritually, emotionally, intellectually. And, eventually, when we are both madly in love with each other, experience an ethereal sexual experience together, the likes of which neither of us would have never experienced before. The kind of experience only he could give me, that special person who will make me absolutely melt just by holding my hand. I used to worry that perhaps that would never happen, but now I think it is a pretty obtainable goal, in the grand scheme of things.
To The Lawyer, thank you.
Thank you for being the first guy to talk to this newly-single girl and show an interest in her. Thank you for giving me hope that I have a lot to offer someone. Thank you for giving me a self-esteem boost when I was feeling lonely and sad and wondering if I would ever find someone again.
And to The Guy From Vancouver, thank you as well. For being wonderful enough to pop into my head from afar, and, for whatever reason, make me feel really good. Better than I've felt in a long time. I really needed that, and you gave that to me. In some weird, bizarre, non-sensical way, you gave that to me.
''Everyday it's a-getting closer, going faster than a rollercoaster.
Love like yours will surely come my way. A-hey, a-hey-hey.
Everyday seems a little longer, every way love's a little stronger.
Come what may, do you ever long for true love from me?''
Link to Everyday cover by Fiona Apple: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZUIbwC3uk_o
However, due to my chemo-addled brain, I arrived and realized that actually it was the following day (today). As I was walking in to my car, I decided to pop in the Irish pub next door for a drink and mozzarella sticks, as I was feeling a bit thirsty and peckish. Normally I would have stopped into a cafe, but I had decided, ''Fuck it'' and sat down at the bar and ordered myself a light draft beer.
There was only one seat left, next to this guy on his phone a lot. So eventually we start talking a bit, and he's asking me about this and that, where I am from, what do I do, stuff like that. And I tell him, I have three children, am a teacher, am going to be officially divorced next month, and am looking for a new house, blah, blah. It also comes up in conversation that I am turning 35 in September, and that I am a breast cancer survivor. He proceeds to tell me he is a lawyer, has his own practice, is 30 years old and lives locally. I told him about my upcoming trip, and he said he has been to Vancouver and loved it, and how much fun I will have there.
When he was talking about it, I found myself unintentionally ignoring him completely, instead my thoughts wandering to another guy, from Vancouver, whom I will be meeting with while on my upcoming trip. Platonically, of course. Totally and completely platonically.
Anyway, a curious thing happened; I found myself wanting to sit there with this other man beside me, The Guy From Vancouver, instead of The Lawyer. Even though I actually don't know much about this guy, except that it appears we have similar interests, and that I find him quite likable and familiar. His speech, and mannerisms, way of thinking. For all I know, The Guy From Vancouver has a girlfriend or isn't even interested in ever having one. That has left me wondering what my feelings will be when it is him sitting beside me in September, and how it could be that, in that moment, I felt more connected to a person whom I'd never met before, thousands of miles away, than the person sitting inches away from me, looking right at me, talking to me in real time. Without going into unnecessary detail, The Guy From Vancouver could not possibly live under more precarious circumstances, and still, my thoughts gravitated toward him, because my feelings were, evidently, totally impervious to his situation. Rather than analyze why my thoughts drifted to him, I am just going to take them for what they were and immerse my weary self in the good feeling it gave me to think about him. To have him unexpectedly pop into my head and linger there, happily and sweetly. I think when the mere thought of a person can make you feel that good, that it is quite extraordinary.
''I just got my new business cards today. Want to see?'', he asked, redirecting my attention back to him. So I held it, complimented it as much as one can compliment a business card; the thick paper texture and how it was black with white font. ''Why don't you keep it, and maybe we'll see each other again some time. I come in here a lot.''
And so there I was, sweaty, wearing my jean shorts and florally ''mom'' top, curls a frizzy mess, not a stitch of make up on. And this guy, friendly, five years younger than me, fairly attractive, successful, gave me his number after a twenty minute conversation. Even after hearing I am older, and have kids, and had breast cancer, still, he gave me his number.
Needless to say when I arrived home I had a grin as wide as the Cheshire cat's...
Naturally my ex noticed, and so I was honest. I said that I understood now how he felt, when a woman started striking up a conversation with him. It felt nice. I mean, I had zero chemistry with this dude and would never in a thousand years call him, but still, it was, I don't know...nice . To know that even when I laid it all out there for someone, every imperfection on display, he was still interested in seeing me again. It made me feel like, perhaps, when the time is right I will find someone totally perfect for me, and I won't have to worry about the baggage I bring with me, or my missing nipples, or my crazy curls, or anything else. I guess it gave me hope. The Lawyer, he gave me hope. Not him particularly, but what he symbolizes, which is that I am not a washed-up 30-something single mother whom no man will find desirable. The Guy From Vancouver gave me hope, too. That I could have that feeling of butterflies again, just by thinking of someone. I haven't felt butterflies for a very long time. I really hope he doesn't fill me with any when I meet him; I don't think I am ready for butterflies just yet.
My ex was a bit jealous, and said I'd have no problem finding someone and between the two of us I'd probably do so before he would. I explained to him that the difference between he and I is that I told this guy now was not a good time for me, but perhaps I'd see him around sometime. I didn't give him my number, or make plans to see him again, or have any intention of talking to him further. It was simply a brief conversation between two people who happen to be seated next to one another at a bar, unlike him staying out until the wee hours getting totally intoxicated with ''German'', giving her his number, and then exchanging texts the very next day. Really, it was apples and oranges. He reminded me that he doesn't have many friends, and enjoyed German's company. Someone to talk to, to make plans to see again and talk to again. That's it. I actually understood, once I had that conversation with The Lawyer. I really did understand.
I went on to remind him that I am not looking for a relationship for quite some time after our divorce. I want to focus on myself, and children, career, and writing, and possibly going back to school in the evenings. Sure, I'd like the company of a man. I mean, of course I would. I am only human. But that's it. Just his company. Someone to look forward to talking to. They say the best way to get over someone is get under someone, but I don't want to get under someone. I want something deeper than that. To feel someone completely on every other level; mentally, spiritually, emotionally, intellectually. And, eventually, when we are both madly in love with each other, experience an ethereal sexual experience together, the likes of which neither of us would have never experienced before. The kind of experience only he could give me, that special person who will make me absolutely melt just by holding my hand. I used to worry that perhaps that would never happen, but now I think it is a pretty obtainable goal, in the grand scheme of things.
To The Lawyer, thank you.
Thank you for being the first guy to talk to this newly-single girl and show an interest in her. Thank you for giving me hope that I have a lot to offer someone. Thank you for giving me a self-esteem boost when I was feeling lonely and sad and wondering if I would ever find someone again.
And to The Guy From Vancouver, thank you as well. For being wonderful enough to pop into my head from afar, and, for whatever reason, make me feel really good. Better than I've felt in a long time. I really needed that, and you gave that to me. In some weird, bizarre, non-sensical way, you gave that to me.
''Everyday it's a-getting closer, going faster than a rollercoaster.
Love like yours will surely come my way. A-hey, a-hey-hey.
Everyday seems a little longer, every way love's a little stronger.
Come what may, do you ever long for true love from me?''
Link to Everyday cover by Fiona Apple: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZUIbwC3uk_o
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