Today is Wednesday, the day of my CT and bone scans and surgical port placement to receive chemo tomorrow.
I weaned Sawyer on Monday morning before my MRI, since I wouldn't be able to nurse for 24 hours due to the contrast dye.
Monday night was brutal for us both.
Tuesday night was better. Sawyer even drank a bottle for me and fell asleep doing so holding on to my finger!
The early morning hours of Wednesday soon snuck up on us, and Sawyer ended up sleeping between
us in our bed.
I was going to wake up before we had to leave for the hospital to pump the last batch of 'good' milk for my sweet baby. After today, every bit I pump until my supply fades away will be useless to him.
Around the same time Sawyer woke up, when I normally I would have just nursed him, I had woken up with sore, full breasts. They were still on their schedule to feed. Sawyer was still on his schedule to nurse.
Hmm...what to do?
I was about to make him a bottle and then pump. We went through a hard day on Monday. We had already said goodbye to our breastfeeding journey. Then I decided...
We are going to do what we both WANT to do...one more time. While we still can.
So we laid there and nursed, with Pete asleep next to him, and Penny asleep next to me.
In that moment, though, it was just him and I and the early rising sun.
Me and my baby.
We didn't cry. We didn't rush out of the door.
He laid on the right side of my chest, where the port will be surgically placed in a few hours, and we fell back asleep.
It was peaceful. It was beautiful. It was familiar. It was just right. It was...us.
We fell back asleep and slept too late for me to pump a lot of milk like I wanted. I see now that waking up with that sweet boy on my chest before it was bruised and port-filled, with one last tummy full of my warm, delicious milk was a better experience, a better memory, than all of the ounces of bagged breastmilk in the world.
I guess the moral of the story is, sometimes it is better to do what you want to do instead of what you should do.
I weaned Sawyer on Monday morning before my MRI, since I wouldn't be able to nurse for 24 hours due to the contrast dye.
Monday night was brutal for us both.
Tuesday night was better. Sawyer even drank a bottle for me and fell asleep doing so holding on to my finger!
The early morning hours of Wednesday soon snuck up on us, and Sawyer ended up sleeping between
us in our bed.
I was going to wake up before we had to leave for the hospital to pump the last batch of 'good' milk for my sweet baby. After today, every bit I pump until my supply fades away will be useless to him.
Around the same time Sawyer woke up, when I normally I would have just nursed him, I had woken up with sore, full breasts. They were still on their schedule to feed. Sawyer was still on his schedule to nurse.
Hmm...what to do?
I was about to make him a bottle and then pump. We went through a hard day on Monday. We had already said goodbye to our breastfeeding journey. Then I decided...
We are going to do what we both WANT to do...one more time. While we still can.
So we laid there and nursed, with Pete asleep next to him, and Penny asleep next to me.
In that moment, though, it was just him and I and the early rising sun.
Me and my baby.
We didn't cry. We didn't rush out of the door.
He laid on the right side of my chest, where the port will be surgically placed in a few hours, and we fell back asleep.
It was peaceful. It was beautiful. It was familiar. It was just right. It was...us.
We fell back asleep and slept too late for me to pump a lot of milk like I wanted. I see now that waking up with that sweet boy on my chest before it was bruised and port-filled, with one last tummy full of my warm, delicious milk was a better experience, a better memory, than all of the ounces of bagged breastmilk in the world.
I guess the moral of the story is, sometimes it is better to do what you want to do instead of what you should do.
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