Baby, Did You Forget To Take Your Meds?

Before we go any further, let's get one thing straight: You're singing Placebo in your head right now, aren't you? I would apologize, but actually it's a pretty cool song, so instead I'll just say, ''You're welcome.''

Today I start my third cycle of the oral chemo pill, Xeloda. It is being hailed as a miracle drug in the cancer world, with the idea that it will ''pull a Liam Neeson'', finding cancer hiding anywhere in the body, and killing it. It is especially good for pre-menopausal, triple negative ladies like myself, who are often left with few options to help prevent a recurrence since our breast cancers were not fed by hormones. I am taking Tamoxifen anyway for 5 years, since technically my cancer was 2% estrogen positive. 

Speaking of pre-menopausal, something unexpected happened today. As my Nana would have called it, my ''monthly'' returned. Yay?! Would I sound crazy if I said I was actually delighted? Probably. But I really was. I think it is because most of my friends are still having their ''monthlys'', and even though I am past the baby phase of my life- I mean really past the baby phase of my life- knowing that my fertility is at least still somewhat in tact is comforting to me. I guess the return of my monthly has made me feel like myself again, my pre-cancer self. It's like my body is trying to go back to normal. A new normal, anyway. It feels kind of nice.

''Niagara Falls level protection'': At the risk of ''plugging a product'' (yes, that pun was intended), I have discovered that during my two year menstrual sabbatical that a really cool, female-founded company has emerged which produces organic sanitary products! They also donate their product to women in developing countries with every purchase, so essentially they are like the Tom's of tampons. I have yet to try said product as I was able to blow the dust off of some remnants lurking in the back of my bathroom closet, but they are made in Germany, and if their beer, chocolates, and cars are anything to go by, it will not disappoint. I bought both pads and tampons on sale at Target for $6.99 each.

Say hello to my little friends

 As for Xeloda, they have reduced my dose to 3 pills in the morning, and 3 pills at night because, as my doctor so eloquently put it, the last chemo dose ''jacked up'' my digestive in a big way. That, coupled with the palms of my hands and soles of my feet becoming raw, swollen, and blistered, made it clear that I couldn't handle another large dose. I mean, look at my hands! They are some weird spray tan color, my fingers are like sausages, and my skin looks wrinkled. My oncologist swears to me that within a few weeks of when I stop taking it in July my skin will go back to normal, but I am still waiting for the rash on my face from last summer's chemo to go away, so I can't help but feel skeptical.

Sweet relief: Painting my raw soles with henna paste

So here I am, also anemic, and still forgetting to take my iron pills twice a day. After my last scolding at the cancer center I think I'll remember, though; ''You are going to be okay, but you have to your part'' they say. I've been poisoned, surgically gutted like a fish from hip to hip, have scars where my nipples used to be, and was radiated so much my skin is still burned 5 months later...believe me, I am doing my part.


What can I say about my meds? I get to sit quietly in a sunny spot in the woods, and take my ''soft chemo'' with my sparking Perrier and pistachios as I am serenaded by robins and bluebirds. All I need is for Bambi to appear and it would be just like a Disney movie.

It sure beats a nurse administering ''hard chemo'' from a giant needle marked ''Biohazard'' into my I.V. port while she wears so much protective gear she may as well be on Mars, as I mentally prepare myself to vomit into a bag. Ah, yes, good times indeed.

Baby, did you forget to take your meds?